Jack, rudely awakened by Cosmopolitan
Just last week we sat in the pub with friends, drinking trendy beer with bit of lemon in the neck of the bottle. Everything seemed so rosy in the garden, she, my so called wife was gushing on about our marriage and how chuffed she was that our relationship thrives because it contains no secrets. She even gave me a kiss in front of every one. What a devious cow, how could any one be so cold hearted, never mind the bloody woman I gave my soul … my all to.
Last week my heart nearly leaped from my ribcage, bursting with pride. Now, it feels like its been ripped clean out by those cold callous bare faced lies she spouted and I don’t think … no I know forgiveness will never come.
Six years of what I thought was blissful marriage, and all the time she was lying. How could she? I’ll never be able to look at any of our so called friends in the eye ever again, they knew, the bastards, they knew and they let me think everything was all right.
All the effort I put into this shallow relationship now seems so stupid and pointless. What I thought was adequate quite simply wasn’t. Six fucking years the cow has been saying, ‘Oh honey your the best. Your a stallion and a sex machine.’ and for six fucking years the bitch has faked every single orgasm .What a fucking cow, I simply cannot believe it.
It was as if someone had stuck a knife through my heart when I read that survey she had filled in Cosmopolitan magazine. Would it not have been simpler to say, Jack you are rubbish at sex, you need to read some books, watch some videos for tips, oh and by the way, plastic surgery … apparently it only costs a thousand pounds an inch.
Rantasaurus Says: Apparently, from what I’m reading in my various girlfriends’ Cosmos, I need to have mine shortened an inch or thirty. Wink.
But what did the horoscope say?
Hey, man, she obviously loves you if she’s been faking for 6 years. And if she thinks you’re bad in bed, chances are she is too, because if she was good, she would know how to teach you. It’s pretty shitty that you had to find out through a Cosmopolitan magazine. She’s a coward. But she does love you, if she didn’t she wouldn’t have married you.
Yeah, she clearly doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it. So it’s her insecurity. But, burn up the anger, then have a chat and she’ll know you’re willing – as she clearly has been to continue having sex despite the big o. Don’t be embarrassed – you didn’t know! Although did ya miss the contractions….? I kid. Seriously kids, talk about it.
She likes you! She reallllyyyyy Likes you! but you suck in bed. So do her a favor and take all of that pent up anger and agression to the bedroom with you! Either that or get her a toy…bzzzzz