Dear DS,
Could you please give this unrequited stalking thing a rest?
Informing one of our (in)subordinates that I was acting like a slut while taking orders from Dr. X was beyond the pale. I’m lost at how reporting a fall and verifying new insulin dosages was slutty, but you were there, so I guess you can clue me in later on…
I know you dig this guy, but the desire to eviscerate anyone he talks to is not healthy.
You don’t have anything to worry about from me–I’m just not into a doctor who looks like he could be in my gene pool (more on that later) and wears grey athletic socks with a suit. I guess I don’t have your highly developed taste. Before you sharpen that axe and drive to my house to decapitate my dog, I’m not “dogging” your Beloved.
I’m just trying to point out we’re not all interested in him. To that end, I’d like to give some hints to get your guy and ease our working relationship.
Some tips to win your man:
- Don’t share all the family inbreeding with him. I know in this county it’s cool to be kin, but speaking as an outsider–it’s warped.
- Don’t tell him you haven’t had sex in 10+ years. And when you do finally make it with one of your internet buddies—don’t tell him that either.
- Post-its are meant for paper, not for sticking to other humans in a sad attempt to flirt.
- Don’t brag you’re a 4x and can eat 4 corn dogs unless you’re with your girlfriends. It kind of leads to “corn fed” jokes. (Not that I’ve told any at your expense. Ok, I did once, but it was after you said I might as well have been pole dancing while I was reading accu-check results to Dr. X.)
- Finally, and most importantly, don’t seem homicidal. Also–don’t act desperate. If you can’t get rid of the “Take me, break me, make me a woman” attitude around Dr. X, the only way you’re going to get him is bound and gagged with a tourniquet around his nether regions to facilitate procreation.
I hope this helps set things straight between us and you can quit driving by my house at all hours. It’d also be nice if you’d quit calling me “That doctor chasing heifer bitch”, but I know that may be asking a lot at this stage of our healing…
Your fellow nurse,
Brown Haired Heifer #2
That Post-It move has potential with the right clever message written on it.
Something brilliant. Something like…
Mist 1 wuz here
Yeah. I love 3M products.
So you’re saying that Hef # 1 is single. Can I get her number?
Nope. BHH #1 is in a committed relationship. She just has the same problem w/DS, but worse. BHH #3 is married and BHH #4 is also in a relationship. DS just hates us all because we’re allegedly after her man. It’s pretty weird.
If you want to see her head explode hire a stripper to come to the office just for him…….be sure and take pictures so you can lead up to the actual moment that she spontaneously combusts.