We Are Rantasaurus Rex, Hear Us Roar

Jeff, your friendly neighborhood dealer

Please indulge me for a few minutes as I’m going to try and make your next trip to Las Vegas a much easier experience. I was born and raised in L.A. but I moved to Vegas in 1992 and became a casino dealer. I primarily deal 21, Roulette, and Pai Gow Poker. I also deal Let it Ride, Caribbean Stud Poker and 3 Card Poker.

In my fifteen years as a dealer I have grown weary of all the usual complaints from the average tourist – many of which are not the fault of the tourist. This is no accident on the part of casino management. Everything in Vegas…EVERYTHING IN VEGAS is designed for only one purpose…ONLY ONE PURPOSE – to take every dollar you have in your wallet, your bank account, your kids’ college fund, you house payment, car payment and whatever you have hidden in that coffee can in your closet.

This may sound redundant since most people already realize this, but
do you realize to what degree the House (the casino) goes to guarantee their win?

In this informative and hopefully enjoyable multi-part Rantasaurus Mini-Series I will do my best to dispel all the usual myths, misconceptions, and legends that surround Las Vegas gaming, due in part to movies, television, and those “Professional Gamblers” the Travel Channel hires to bullshit you.

As I do it, please be advised of one thing: Whether or not you (or I) think it’s a question of right or wrong, good or bad, fair or unfair, you must understand that casino management doesn’t care what you or I think – it’s simply THE WAY IT WORKS IN LAS VEGAS.

The rules and procedures are in stone and there is no grey area, as this is the most “Black and White” place you will ever see. There are winners and there are losers, period. The casino concerns itself with NOTHING ELSE. The sooner people realize this, the happier you’ll be when you’re walking the length of The Strip in the middle of August when it’s 118 degrees in the shade weeping about their upcoming home foreclosure…

My first two points reference a lack of customer service in Vegas. If you are the kind of person who enjoys Top Drawer Customer Service on your vacations, and you are the typical hard working member of the “Working Class” who lives on a budget without money to burn, do not come to Las Vegas because you will be kicked in the teeth. In Vegas you are not a customer. You are not a guest. You are player, a gambler, a MARK.

After you make that long, boring drive on Friday night and you walk into a busy casino expecting the staff to be at your beck and call, you have watched too many re-runs of The Love Boat. A casino is not a cruise ship nor is it that all inclusive resort you stayed at in Cabo last year – and it’s certainly not Fantasy Island where there is “Smiles everyone, smiles!”

1) Customer service here will not find you – you will have to search it out because there are fifty thousand other people trying to accomplish the very same thing at exactly the same time. For every ten frowns you will find a smile. Ask that employee what his/her schedule is and stick with them.

Ever since Corporate America invaded Las Vegas, the typical casino staff has been cut down to a minimum and this is the number one reason why you WILL WAIT. Many employees are on the “Extra Board” which means it’s possible they work six day weeks, back to back. People tend to get tired and cranky as they’re working twelve straight days.

2) Just because the cocktail waitresses wear those tight, revealing, sexy outfits it doesn’t mean they are whores, strippers or will provide you with a lap dance. In many cases they are hard working parents with kids to feed just like you and they don’t appreciate inappropriate comments, mindless come-on’s or a well placed pinch. If you plan on parking yourself at a gaming table or a slot/video poker machine and will be ordering drinks, keep one very important thing in mind: YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON DRINKING.

When a single waitress is handling one whole side of the pit or an entire section of machines, YOU WILL WAIT. After taking fifty drink orders she will then battle her way through the crowd to the service bar. She will wait behind the five other girls ahead of her while the ONE BARTENDER fills everyone’s orders. After you have been waiting twenty thirsty minutes do not ask the dealer “WHERE THE HELL IS THAT FREAKIN’ WAITRESS??” because you will not like the answer. Unless she is a mean spirited bitch, it means she is waiting for your drink to be made among the other two hundred.

In upcoming rants, I will address gambling procedures, tipping etiquette, card counting, shuffle tracking, myths about Nevada law and other important things you need to know about Vegas. Don’t be shy – feel free to leave any comments you want and ask any questions you have. I will be honest and very candid with my answers. I feel very strongly about this because I’ve seen too many people have a very bad time in Las Vegas.

Rantasaurus Says: Now, I’m not one to argue but… but… can’t I just give that waitress one little pinch? For good luck? I hear it’s all about luck in Vegas.