TAZ, sticks to proper bathrooms now
I had a group of friends that I hung around with, most guys. In our group, there was one girl that I really had the “hots” for. I had asked her out many times and she would always say; “We go out all the time…we always spend time together.” But obviously, I was looking for a “date” date and not just hanging around with her and a bunch of my friends. So, I kept asking and over time she agreed.
She was going to meet me at my house (actually my parent’s house) and I was going to take her to a club called “Mr. Whipples”. Whipples was about a 45 minute to an hour drive….back roads. We had been there many times before, but this was the first date.
When she got there, I was a little nervous. I know we had hung around and chatted many times before, danced together and all that, but this was my DATE with her. I was excited at the same time, hopeful that this date would lead to something more.
We got into my pick-up and headed out around 7:30 or so. My truck was clean, with a nice stereo system and fabric seats. It was a cool evening. She was beautiful and looked like she did a few extra things to look good. This made me happy, thinking that she had dressed all up for a date with me.
After traveling about 20 minutes or so, my stomach started churning. Those nervous butterflies were trying to escape.
Without causing a big scene, I rolled down my window and squeezed out a silent fart. Well, the window didn’t help. The truck was quickly filled with the smell of ass. I made some a stupid joke or something and tried to laugh my way out of it. She rolled down her window, too. After a minute or two, the smell cleared and we rolled the windows back up.
Maybe a couple of miles later, my stomach was taking over and I had the greatest crapping sensation. I knew if I squeezed out another fart….either I could try to hide it again or I might just crap on myself, but the feeling was growing. I was starting to sweat a little and there were no restrooms for miles. What to do….what to do….
At the risk of just blowing the whole date by crapping in my pants, I saw a small dirt road with a little thicket of woods beside it. I pulled the truck over and asked her if she had any paper in her pocketbook. Her expression was a mix shock and laughter, but she managed to find me some paper and I darted into the woods. I could hear her sorta laughing and saying; “Oh my God, I can’t believe this”.
In a complete hurry, I ran into cover, pulled down my slacks and did the deed that had to be done. It was a major explosion but luckily it ended in just a couple of minutes. I wiped, pulled up my pants, tucked in my shirt, regained my composure and headed back to the truck, playing it cool.
I got in the truck, she said something like; “You feel better now?” and I said something like; “Yeah, that’s a load off my mind’. I pulled off the dirt road and headed back down the street. We hadn’t gone 1/4 mile when she quickly rolled down her window and said; “Did you just cut one again?” No…I swore to her, I didn’t. She rolled her window back up….then immediately back down.
“I still can smell it”, she said. ”You didn’t step in it did you?” A sinking feeling came over me because I could smell it too. It was dark out there so….I pulled the truck to the side of the road, turned on the inside light and leaned forward to check the bottom of my shoes.
She said; “OMG…you shit on your back!!” I jumped out of the truck and took off my shirt. There was splatters of crap running from the bottom to the top of my collar.
It was matted in my cloth seats and all over my shirt. She was rolling with laughter. Obviously, there never was a second date and not really a first one. She was nice enough to endure this and still go to Mr. Whipples with me.
The best that I can figure is this: When I walked into the woods, I stepped on a little sapling and bent it over, crapped on it and when I stood up to wipe it sprang back up and splattered me. The worst date ever.
10 years later, at class reunion….I had to hear her tell the story to all our old friends. It’s much funnier coming out of her mouth.
Rantasaurus Says: Thanks for sharing. I hope you don’t get the dribbles next time you go to Mr. Whipples.
