Tyrantasaurus, model driver
Here in the Bay Area, Los Altos Hills is ritzy on top of ritzy. Lots of small streets that wind into the hills… and this is where I’m driving, one second away from being late to a tutoring appointment.
An old woman standing by her car waves me down. Naturally, since I’m a good person, I assume she’s having car trouble. I’m ready to hand her my cell phone, throw a few kind words her way, whatever.
I slam on the brakes, put the ol’ Jetta in reverse and roll down my window.
“Yes, ma’am,” I say, “how can I help you?”
Then, instead of letting me be a good person and playing the kind and helpless old lady, she turns into a real twat.
“You were taking that curve a bit fast my dear,” she laughs.
A part of me dies, see, because I thought I was going to be useful to her, but it turns out she just wanted to be a bitch.
“Uh-huh.”
“Do you live around here?”
“No.”
She gives me a nod. You’re not from around here, it says, you’re not made of money like I am.
“I see, well, this isn’t the freeway. There are people walking their dogs here. You need to drive 15 miles an hour on this curve,” she’s hanging her fingers inside my window and nodding to me at this point.
“Uh-huh.”
“Now, I’ve been battling the City Council for years to have them put up a sign…”
“Uh-huh.”
It went on for several more minutes. At first I hated myself for pulling over and wanting to help. By the end of it, I hated myself for not doing anything and everything horrible to this old whore.
If I could bring myself to be mean to old people, I can envision any one of these happening:
- I roll my window up in the middle of her saying something. (Tame)
- I roll my window up in the middle of her saying something and then yell “TWAT!” when there’s an inch or so left.
- I turn my music all the way up and then sit there, letting her keep talking.
- I speed off with her still hanging onto my doorframe. (Yes!)
- I say: “Wait, so people have gotten hit here?” And she’ll say: “Well, no, no, nobody’s gotten hit here…” And then I’ll say: “Not yet!” Slam my car into reverse and then just let her have it. Over and over and over and over again. (I like!)
See… I’m not a naturally violent person. I don’t naturally hate old people. But this woman got under my skin. Why do some people think they can just sit down and lecture anyone and everyone in their path? Hail someone down in the middle of the street and lecture them?
I shouldn’t have pulled over. I know. And I’d never really kill someone with my car… But… But…
What I really should have said, though, is: “Don’t you have better things to do with the two weeks you have left to live?”
Rantasaurus Says: Killing old ladies with your car is wrong. That’s why you need your homie Rexie to just eat them for you.
