Kimberly, no-time novelist
Dear Everyone Who’s A Literary Agent,
You know what? My novel is great and I hate you all. I work for literally weeks on this thing and you say it needs work? What’s wrong with you? It’s got great characters, the dialogue absolutely sizzles (told you I’m a writer) and it’s the best story ever. I keep sending it out and you people keep saying no, no, no.
Well you know what, Mr. Literary Agent? I hate you and you’re probably ugly and you have bad eyes and fat little fingers and you sit there, writing rejection e-mails to me and I would just rather pee on your keyboard than ever be represented by you!
Revisions you want? Fine! I’ll fart out some revisions today and then I won’t send them to you. Because I’ll take your suggestions, make my book the next Great American Novel and send it to someone else. Then we’ll see who’s boss. Every time I get a royalty check, I’ll send you an e-mail saying:
“You could be sitting on whatever number of $$$ if you hadn’t rejected me, donkey.”
I’ll see you at Barnes and Noble, bitches, where my books will be front and center and your ass will be broke.
Sincerely,
The Next JK Rowling
